we looked exactly alike, we could have been twins the old man and i: thats what they said. inside, i try on a light blue suit much better than anything i have ever worn and i flap the arms like a scarecrow in the wind but its no good: i cant keep him alive no matter how much we hated each other. i am a stranger here, and have been (i suppose) somewhat the rogue, and i have no doubt he painted me quite well (the old boy and i fought like mountain lions) and they say he left it all to some woman in duarte but i dont give a damn-she can have it: he was my old man and he died. i go outside and pick an orange and peel back the bright skin things are still living: the grass is growing quite well, the sun sends down its rays circled by a russian satelite, a dog barks senselessly somewhere, the neighbors peek behind blinds. i move through my fathers house (on which he owed $8000 after 20 years on the same job) and look at his dead shoes the way his feet curled the leather, as if he was angrily planting roses, and he was, and i look at his dead cigarette, his last cigarette and the last bed he slept in that night, and i feel i should remake it but i cant, for a father is always your master even when hes gone i guess these things have happened time and again but i cant help thinking to die on a kitchen floor at 7 o'clock in the morning while other people are frying eggs is NOT so rough unless it happens to you. He hinted at times that i was a neetblog and i told him to listen to brahmns and i told him him to learn to paint and drink and NOT be dominated by women and dollars but he screamed at me for christs sake remember your mother remember your country youll kill us all. When to a bbq hima with The Boss and dad and sis and i dont know how you handle drinking every day pg but let me tell you all every time i get a little tipsy i get very contemplative and just i dont know how to explain it i started thinking about when i would just morph when i got tired wake up when my body got enough sleep then make coffee take a shower read hima and just maybe i dont kow play something or catch up on the news and post here and then like i posted about it a bunch at the time but probably none of you remember it but semi recently i rewatched hxh like maybe i december i dont know but id just wait for everyone to go to bed and then go to the living room and fire up the NOTebook (connected to the big tv) and watch hxh 1 then 2 then 3 and just kept going until the end and i kept thinking like maybe i will never have that opportunity again to be free and live freely as i want to and even if i do that part of my life is gone and id be starting a new one maybe one day things will get so bad that i will miss my now my present day so i gotta be thankful i suppose

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